I have been searching for what I really want or what is my goal since I realize how important goal setting is. However, the process of searching for this goal is very hard for me. It takes me at least 8 years to find out what my goal is, or what i really want. I've been asking myself, burning my desire toward something like house, car, family and so on. I told myself those material, and happiness should be my goal which I am supposed to remember them most of the time. However, it's now how my mind work. After a while, I realize that those goals faded away day by day as I only feel like having them for a short time. The reason why I want to have them for a short time because i feel like having those and living the life i am having now is all very similar. That's why i can't get near to the goal because i have been ignored it. Until today when i discuss with my brother about my situation, i realize that the way i work is another way round, I don't want the life of luxurious maybe because i already have one, so that why i ignore it. But now, i think another way round, i think that what if i don't have the good and rich life? What if i become a worker, or a farmer who bring disgrace to my family? Then i started to think of my future living in a very poor condition like Bong Kunthea. This could be happened if i keep doing what i am doing nowadays, complaining about everything, thinking of committing suicide almost everyday.
Now, I am really afraid of that future that is why i am setting my goal not to go to that direction. I can't imagine living in this society where i am a poor person and seeing most of my friends and family are living their rich life. I am in the upper class of the society. I am not showing off about it. But think of it, I am having friends who are in all good students, most of my friends are scholarship students, and some are already rich, and some are going to be rich. My brother is building his empire toward being rich, my sister and brother is already success in their life, they have kids, save money for kids to school, having job and everything already. I am the only one who is left, so whether I try to get out of the hell, or I should go to the hell for the rest of my life. I have at least another 34 years to go, and i have been stressful for almost one decade just to study in university. It's not that i have been stressful all the time, but the way i live is not right. I didn't do what i supposed to do. I just ignore my university life and doing very very bad on my subject.
However, that's my life. It's already pass and my cgpa is not that bad also,. I got 3.33 which is very good enough to continue my master, but about the knowledge? Am I capable of doing anything? I think yes, I believe that as long as my hope alive and i can do the right thing back, i will be able to do anything. I have my brother who can help me with my job. It's not that i am going to depend on him 100%, it is just that he have all the resources and i can ask him any time i want as long as i am eager enough to improve myself. And that's not late. I plan to work very very hard for the first 3 year of my working life. I want to learn from the job, and i want to learn the thing that i miss in the university. It's never too late, i think. I will use my free time, if i have, to study other special course relating to my skill, and i try to improve myself in every ways, i can.
Since i chose to walk this way, the way that i can do to make myself rich like others, i am not going to be hopeless anymore. I believe that this is the life that i am supposed to have. I don't want to waste my time with useless thing anymore. I want a normal life, a simple life. Have a job, have a house, have a car, get married, have kids, bring the kids up, pay for their school, and pay for their marriage, and leave some heritage for them. That's all.
So when i am old, and my time come, i would rest in peace. And I hope that for rest of my life living on this earth, i would like to convert my stress toward stress trying to fight with the challenge, not stress doing nothing. Like today, i fight with it since 8-2am. I slept for 1 hour and a half along the way, i walk to think for one 30mns. look like i waste 2 hours, but i still earn my 4 hours. And that's the challenge that i fight today. I will keep fighting everyday for not being poor and left out in this earth.
I don't want to live in the hell alone.
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