Dear, 

Why can't you help me this morning? And you even help your parents also. Why do you forget everything you said? I think it is because you keep thinking about something useless all the time. Just help yourself to stop thinking about anything that is useless anymore. 

I think i can't keep focusing on happy thought anymore. Look at me. Damn! Help yourself to go to take bath from him and go to have lunch now. Make it quick. 

so, now it's time to go to bed :) !!! You are a great person. You can go through anything :) ... Keep smiling! You have me who standing next to you all the time. I will try to help you out all the time. Anything you can't do, left it to me, i will try my best to help you out. There is nothing impossible for you. Just tell me, then i would do anything. I know you want to prepare your table, to fill the water, and to take a shower. I would do it for you before you go to sleep. Don't be worried ok, the world is not going to end. You are not going to go to jail. Just do your best from today to help your parents, :) Be patient nah cuz it's what they want to see in you. This too will pass. If you can't sleep, remember that i will sing you songs or we can do this little thing to boost up your desire or power by imagination about what kind of life that you want. Then you get up early in the morning and start making the world beautiful together. :)

Good night, my dear! Always love you! I'll take care of you no matter what you become.

Everything in this world have it owns value no matter what. For example, when i was young two hundred real which is equal to 20cent now is every valuable. I can spend that money on bread with pork, or soup pork meatball, or i can play game, or i can invest it on playing ball with others kid. It can keep me live with a high moment whether it's good or bad. To have such a money, i have to wait for every morning come cuz it was when my mum gave me that money. Whether i used that to do what i want is my choice. Most of the times, my choices always lead to disappointment because there are many things, i can do it with, but i can only chose one among them. Then most of the time, i invest it in gambling. Finally, i normally got nothing. I torture myself like that all the time.

How about now? Is that money really important to you? You now have money, but there is nothing that can bring you high like that. But to some people, that money may can get them high at some point. This teaches me that everything have its value. It just that you don't see the values inside it. Even the music that you are listening right now, to some people it means magic. To you, it's just some kind of entertainment for me to pass the time.

I really want to give this life to someone like me in the past. i want him to have the money, the property that i have such as friends, money, bike, watch, laptops and everything. I feel like i want to leave everything behind and walk into somewhere quiet so that i wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Sometimes, i wonder is it hard just to die? What if it's hard but at the end you will no longer exist. Your life is just end. There will be no heaven or hell. You just disappear in this world. Nothing at all after that. You are just a an animal which exist in this world because of the natural phenomena. That's it. All the things, you are told are just not really true, nothing you are seeing, knowing, hearing, are all just an assumption of people who has been exist due to this phenomena. That should life is supposed to be. There will be no others things than that. There are many mysterious things in this world that cannot be explained. But if i really leave this world, it is just that people who knows you will be sad but for a while only. Although some of them will never forget you, but so what? It is a just a part of life. It's like you are missing bong phoan, you are missing sopha, and so on. They are always in your memory, but so what? No one can be happy all the time.

Life is supposed to be an exciting journey. Yeah, it was. There were times when you are afraid, you are happy, you are sad, you are hurt. That's what make life meaningful. Life is like a ticket to the earth and go back to somewhere that no one guarantee what it is about.

Damn! I couldn't control myself now. I believe I can. Just take a deep breath. and tell yourself to focus on this. Also, you have to close your facebook first. With facebooks, and other entertainment, you cannot really focus on something at all. Believe me, you will keep going back to study about others people's life but not your life. Just focus on your life, dude!

OK, done! Now, look at yourself. I couldn't help but to like my  body and my hair so much. I just fall in love with myself. Sometimes, i hate that i love myself because when i start to love myself, i'm afraid, i couldn't take care of myself like this forever and one day, everything is going to be worse. But who care, as long as i love myself and take care of myself now, then i will be happy. If only in the morning, i get early and do some work out to see my body fit and study hard from 8-12, and 1-5. and from 5-9: Sport time and 9-1: another study time. That will be my happiest day. The problem is that it is so hard for me to focus on it in the morning since my brain was still numb and happy with with the dream in the morning. I know that dreaming is just an illusion, and it's really make me feel great with it, but at the end i am just disappointed with my day. I guess, good dream is like drug, get up and purchase the dream is the right thing.

You know what i am tired of fighting with myself and relax like 2 weeks. i really hate that and I find myself really bad about that. I feel like I take life not really serious and i don't really have exact purpose. I don't want to be emotional and cry again. I know that I am a man, i can be strong and i can do whatever i tell myself to do. If I want to stop playing facebook, i would just can do that because I am a man. if i tell myself to sit straight and focus on this for the rest of the night, i would do that and i would focus because that is who i am. Like i play futsal, when i tell myself to be good at it and focus on the ball, i would never let the ball get in.

Now, i want to talk about what is in my mind. First of all, i feel that i have a lump in my nipple. If it is really a lump, it means that there is a chance that i would have cancer. I don't want to tell this to anyone. I want to be happy with it and see whether it could hurt me or not. So far, it wouldn't hurt me if i don't touch it. I don't know why i have this feeling that i couldn't live long since i was young. Since i realize what is life line in the palm, i felt that my life is shot because my life line is short. Actually, i shouldn't have this journey in my life. there were many times that i am not supposed to live until here. The first time is when I was in my mum's womb. There was time when my mum thought that i would be dead and he wanted to bring me out meaning to abort me, but when the operation date come, i was hidden without any reason. It seems that i have a strong organism to protect myself from any hard. At the age of 5, i got a long cut with 40 stitches on my left belly. Luckily, there was a doctor there who have everything to operate. If not, i may lose all my blood and be dead already. Since then, i have doubt about cancer at my kidney, but when i check for the second times, The doctor said it was not. Now i feel that i have a breast cancer. It seems that life try to play with me many times. Does it try to teach me something? I don't know what my life will be, but looking back everything is going to fine all the time. The problem is only that my mind was like hell at some point in there. Most of the time, i kept thinking about something that is stupid.

What if i could convert those thoughts into something i should focus on? Wouldn't be my life will fill with meaning? Maybe, i would have at least 3 girlfriends so far, which i had only one so far. Why can't I just live today like there is no yesterday and there is no tmr?

What if i can draw my whole life, and i am the one who control it? What would i say? I just need to walk that way. Let's try to draw it out.

From now on, i promise to live my life to help others to the max.

From now on, let's live for only today. Stop watching movie because movie just talk about other people's life. You now know what you should do with your life. You need to help others. That's it!

Ok, now try to help this hopeless person to clean his table and go to sleep :) !!!

Hungry something hot

I am feeling like i want to have a barbeque like hot dog, burger, beef steak, something hot. Soup meat ball is also fine with me. What can I do? I think i can only dream of it. I really want to eat them. But how? How? I don't want to eat cold food, I don't want to eat malay food for tonight. If there is a chance that Ratana can bring me to eat at Kompung Bali that would be great. At least, I can eat hot seaweed soup over there.

Theseday, i watch some movie that show those meatball with the shrimp inside. Really really want to eat that, man! I want to eat Lot Cha as well.

Ok, I think if i can eat sokheang's noodle, this will be better.

At night, I tried to sleep. In the morning, i tried to get up! Sometimes, being out of control is better. It's kind of clear my thought and it doesn't make my thought complicated. But like right now. It's so complicated. I am laughing at it again.

I think i have another strategy. That should be to sleep at any time I am sleep, and to get at any time I want to get up. Let's see how that work. At night, i just

What social network affects our psychology?

Social network is an internet tool which allow people to communicate with our old friends, to see how are they doing and so on. In one side, it is a good way to know about them and still keep in touch with them especially our close friends. However, too much of it will make us don't feel excited to know about them, and sometimes making us comparing with them.

In the past, if old friends met each other accidentally or inaccidentally, they were every excited just to hear each other voices because they miss each others, they want to know about each others, what they are up to right now. However, because of social network, nowadays, those information from our old friends are there and sometimes you can chat with them, but what to ask them if you can see how are they by just seeing their fb profile and pictures and so on. So communication with each other in real world is no interesting anymore. Imagine, you see two closed friend who you never met for 10 years. One friend keeps updating his information everyday, how he feel about his work and so on. And another one, never use facebook, and you don't know anything about them. Guess which one you may interested to know more? It must be the one without facebook because he doesn't know much about you and you don't know much about him too. That's the beauty of friendship, to talk, to communicate with each others with excitement.

To me, Facebook is a place to showoff. Some people want to show off their beauty, some want to showoff the place they live, the party they join, the friends they have. They actually don't really care much about people in that Facebook, they may just want to showoff. When they start showing off, they will start comparing whether what you showoff is better than the other friends or not. Or what you showoff is interested to any other people or not. As you know, once you start comparing your life with others, you will not be living in peace anymore, you keep doing something that it could be better than your friends and try to show off as well. And sometimes, when you can't do that, that only just make you sad and disappointed in your life.

Facebook is no good for people. It's good in some ways such as updating to some news and so on. But what is that for? Some news are not important in our life. It just makes us think more which keep wasting our time in them. I prefer living without social network so that later when i really miss any of my friends, i would just call them or go to see them once a while. I don't want my soul to be gradually dead in that way. I don't want others to know about me and I don't want to knows about others as well. I hope i make the right decision.

Seeing SV

Seeing my SV, I realize that he doesn't really care much about me. I understand that because he has a lot of things to do. More than that, FYP is something that I am supposed to master and understand by myself. I can't just go there and ask him everything. He will be annoyed. And I think some questions he may not be able to answer because he can't know every detail of the project. He only knows the project that he does or the project that he's interested in.

So what should I do next? I just need to fill in the data and try to analyze the program and make sure that everything is going right with the previous result. That's what i know i am going to do today.

Conflict

Originally, i wanted to study 50mn and rest 10mn. For the time that i rest, i would prefer expressing myself on blog, but now I prepare going to facebook and comment, and chat over there, and I am also allowed to listen to music and at Saturday, i am also allow to watch movie.

Now, there is a conflict here. The conflict is that as I allow myself to have entertainment, the entertainment realm seems to spread itself into my studying life. I believe that at some points, I feel like studying so much but at some point, i don't.

I don't know which is the best way for me now. Whether i should completely stop thinking of entertainment for a while or what? And if i decide to stop entertainment for a while, it is also very hard for me to adopt to that. I would come back at one point, and i would become exactly where I was.

So the problem now is conflict inside my body. I don't know which one to follow.

Idea:

Ok, the reason why you have changed to adopt this new methodology is that you can't change to focus on your fyp immediately, right? It's a change that could help you at least not to go to watch movie just you normally do at this time, right? At least now you are sitting in front of your laptop and thinking of how to improve yourself rather than forget yourself and waste your time. It's not a significant improvement or anything, but it's at least better than the life that you always have, right? Even tough you go back to do it 100% change, what guarantee that you can do it? Your nature is still there! you have to know that you can't do anything you tell yourself to do. Don't try to lie yourself anymore that you can do anything you like to do. You need self control. And by having self control, at least, you are better than every normal day. At least, you remind yourself to drink water, you remind yourself to control your money, you remind yourself that your life deserve to be better than your normal life. So I suggest that you keep doing this. Even though it is hard, you should keep sitting here and at least do something to show that you are still fighting with your FYP. Even though, you don't go to study about your FYP, directly, you are saving this feeling for the future. At least, you can learn how to be patient. Try to do it, and see what would happen. Try to control your life. This is a process. If you want the result immediately, you will be frustrated. Just calm down and do whatever you can for this. If you think that FB is a bit of annoying, just be away from it for a while and replacing fb time by reading something which is more entertainment for yourself to do your fyp.

Another Idea:

Don't you think that you are wasting time? You should have been watching a lot of movies by now. You shouldn't be stressful about your fyp yet. you still have around 3 more weeks to go and everything is gonna be ok. Nobody wants to fail you. You will be ok. I guarantee that. Just go back to your normal life, call your friends, go out see people playing sport, or just go to sleep, or download new movie to watch or watch some updates news, stop controlling your money. If you care about it too much, you will lose it faster. You should know that you are always lucky and can get away from everything all the time, man! That's who you are always doing. Be carefree, and just enjoy your life, sleep late, because you don't have to meet anybody at all. Just ignore everything around you. Opportunity will automatically come to you one day, don't worry about that. You can do anything with your degree. Just ignore the important thing. Life is supposed to be fun all the time. Why do you have to make your life so difficult? Why do you have to set the 9 rules into your life, man? You should do whatever you want to do at whenever you want to do. You are alone, man!

Comparing both Ideas:

The first idea is the ideal one that i want to have, however, it requires a lot of patient and sometimes it is very hard to do. But at least I am satisfied with it at the end of the day. For the second idea, life is fun and happy all the time, but once the gas of life is run out of, then the sadness would come and haunt me all the time. That could haunt me for the rest of my life. However, for the first idea, though it is a little bit hard to endure at some point, it gives me something such as hope, life, the present. And at least, i do not feel regretful as much as the second idea. For happiness the first idea is the best one because living in this life, you need to control yourself at all time. No matter how rich you are, or how smart you are, if you do not know how to control your life, you would just let your life be in a dumb. And that is the most remorseful thing in the world. Doing something that make you regret.

Another Idea

So far, i haven't mentioned of what i really like to do at my free time. I think everyone should have that. Think that make you happy and direct you back to your normal life as fast as possible. Normal life here refer to life in control. There was time when i think that Guitar is my favorite, but now I feel like it's not. I feel like I need to go after something new like Drum, or piano at free time. Looking at this, i feel like we are human being have to chase something for excitement. We can't stick with something for the rest of our life. That make me afraid of love. What if it is apply to love as well? Then, life is going to suffering a lot. Imagine that you stop loving your wife or your wife stop loving you because your emotion keep going after something that never ends, that whether you or her is going to suffer until the old age. So what is this all about? I watch a movie titled " Peaceful Warrior". It suggests that don't question life because life is a mystery. The more you want to know about it, the more you are blurred about it. So if i don't question life, what should i do? It tells us to be humor, laughing at our mistakes and never regret with what have happened because it is the strength, and life keep changes, knowing that nothing stays the same. That the three rules of life. But isn't it hurt to know that? To know that we should not know what is life all about? Isn't it the most important thing that we should know so that we can do exactly what life is supposed to mean? I think it's because even though you know that, you still can't do it sometimes. That's why wasting time trying to figure what is life just make you go back and forth and finally, you would not find where you are right now. And learning to laugh at yourself is also a rule of life. Why we need to laugh at ourselves? Because laughing is the most beautiful things of all things i guess, so whether your life go up or down, being with the most beautiful thing is the most important thing, I guess. The last rule, nothing never ever stay the same. It is sad to hear that. Really really sad. Why? Because people never want change. Change is the thing that make people inconvenient. Some people prefer killing themselves rather than accept the change. However, since we live in this life already, we have to follow the rule of the life, you may laugh at the change, you still can laugh.  One more lesson from the movie is that, life is not about where you reach! It is about the journey, the people you meet, the place you visit, and so on. You may reach your destiny, but don't forget that when you reach there, for sure, you will have to set another destiny. That's life, you have to go after something and something again and again. It is really true. If you don't believe this, imagine your life when you pass grade 12. During those year, you are really really want just to pass so that you can continue your journey with your friends, and then you pass. You were happy. Then you told yourself that if only you get one scholarship, you would be very very happy because everyone will be happy and i will be happy, then you got 2 scholarship, then you are extremely happy, then you go to study in the university. It seems like getting the scholarship is just a small step toward success, then you got the chance to go to study abroad, studying abroad? What the hell is this, it was the most happiest in my life, why? Because I earn something which life rarely give to people. It's the chance to go abroad and study there. Before coming here, i always imagine that other countries are very awesome, are much more beautiful than my country and so on. Yeah, it was at first, then ? I only want to graduate from here, now i am where i really want to graduate and work. My mind is out there keep thinking about graduation as much as possible. What am i thinking most of the time right now? I'm afraid of not graduating and afraid of not getting a good job and I'm afraid that i wouldn't have a wife or a kid or a car, or a house or anything my friends have. So I keep going after those things again. And i don't give value to the day that I am really living right now. I don't understand why I am living right now. i Keep questioning myself about my life. This is just to support the idea of human's desire to chase after one thing after another. The point is that you don't forget to enjoy the moment you are living with too. How can i enjoy when i can't produce something for my work? The point is that i need to do something to reach that point. Yeah, you are right, you need to do something to reach that point, that's why rule no.2 is applied, you need to laugh at yourself at some points that you can't do something, like right now, you can't focus on your FYP and you come to write this, the definition of life and so on.

Life is really complicated at some point. but to some extent, life is not if only you follow some religion. Example from Christian, It gives hope to your life after death by guarantee people who believe in it the heaven. It teaches people to be grateful for what they have everyday like food, clothes, and everything. It teaches people to forgive each other and control their temptation because temptation is the thing that come to destroy people. It's like evil. It teaches us to be curious, such as ask, seek, pray, then everything will answer to you by God. It teaches us not to really care about food, clothes because life is more than food and clothes. It compares the human with the birds who live like that and never feel frustrated. It teaches us not to worry about anything while we cannot even do the small thing. Imagine that you really think like that. So are you sure you can really think like that while everyone around you are doing something for their life? imagine, you really become what it said, How are you going to earn your living? Let's say you don't have to worry about what you eat and what you wear, then if you don't have money, how are you going to live with the people around you? How can you not be frustrated to earn your living? Or it teaches you to do your work, while don't really prioritize your life towards eating, clothing , materialistic, but to priority you life to helping others, controlling yourself and so on?  Yeah, that's right, in this religion, it teaches you to do your work, but stop worrying because it won't help anything, just try to do your best, and let the rest with the God because God will help you to control your temptation, your desire and so on. And God will see how much you can help others and so on. So this is a good side of Jesus.

In 3 idiots movie, It teaches us to do something that we really love. How about me? How about some people who are going to graduate? I don't think that is really practical. It is high risk in doing that. It is right in a way, but sometimes, you can't really apply it in real life. In real life, you are only given one chance, some people not even a chance. 

Ok, i don't feel like doing this anymore after i went to facebook and see people share something or play something. I just told myself not to visit that website and I still can't do it. Really funny though. It's almost time to go to bed. And i must still have to keep find a way to do thing.

In overall, what have i done? At least I know what I am doing. I think the fight for today should be done. And i really laugh at myself at showing what my thought in the public now. That's girlish, i think!

I have spent 5 hours yesterday just to realize that the way i studied was wrong. I spent a lot of time writing down what was written in the paper. I should change the way I read the paper. Ok, let's say that 5 hours was not wasted. That 5 hours was the hours to show me that I did the wrong way to study. Next, i will try to read something in my head. keep asking myself what am I reading? What do I want from this reading! That's it.

I am sitting in the chair trying to find the way to get to my work. I feel a bit lazy and discourage to work now since my brother call me this evening. It is quite a challenge for a lazy man like me again. I've gotta find the way out. Why i don't go to my work? Because I feel bored with my life. Why I feel bore with my life? I think I already jog for this evening and see the sunset. Or because i Keep doing the same thing? or because the work that I will do is not interesting? Why suddenly i feel bore with my life? It is quite hard to express sometimes. I know that this is the challenge and lose it or win it is not a problem. As long as i try my best to fight with it, I will be happy.

Am I sad? Am I addicting to something? My eyes sore a little bit now. I don' know why. Maybe i haven't relaxed my eyes since I get up this morning. I want to know how to relax my eyes. No, that's now how I fight. Ok, now let's try turn of the light and turn on the orange light. See how i would feel and clean my table as well.

Ok, I clean my table, i drank water, and filled up the water. Now I come and sit back again. On the way, I kept thinking is living like this is better than living without any plan or anything? I was asking myself this question. When I live without any plan, I can feel that I can sleep every well, I can't sleep well only on some days when there is something come up to me such as my project date line. And I didn't achieve anything in my life living like this. Life seems happy and carefree but inside sometimes it's very hurtful. Most of the time, i thought of suicide because don't know what to live for. On the another side, I had plan, i had principle, I kept fighting with laziness, Win or lose, i don't care, i just keep fighting, Keep myself occupied with something that let me go to the right track. However, at some point, i am tired and bored of fighting, but i think i have to keep fighting. Because at least it is the choice that i make. I don't want to be a farmer or construction worker, i want to have my life. I don't expect much from my life. As long as I graduate, i have a job, i have a house, a car, a family. I am happy with my life.

I am still lazy. Looking back when i was young, it is exactly who i was. I never change at all. Normally at this time, in the evening, when i was young, I am supposed to get to my place to sit and review and study for what i have been studied. Now it's the same, but it is just that this time, i have to force myself to do it. When i was young, i was forced by my brother. Looking at life, I really want to laugh. This is life. You are born in this world, and had fun, you are sad, you love, you hate. It's really meaningful. Sometimes, you cry, sometime you laugh. It's a mix of emotion.

So what now? You have been listening to Donald Trump, Robert, and others. But you are still lazy. I think you have been done a lot of thing. Hmm... Calm down! How about I just go to study? Just start it for 15mns. If you don't just go directly to solution. you won't deal with the problem. To deal with the problem is to go directly to the root of the problem. I garantee, you just devote yourself 5mns to it first, then you can go. I make a deal with you, if this 5 mns, you don't feel like doing it, you can stop and watch movie.

Helo

I do understand now that why some people keep wasting their time and some people keep building their potential to reach their goal by using their precious time. Once you understand this, you will realize that why there are some people who are successful and some are not. Successful here is not a common thing that everybody has the same, but it's up to individual who set it. 

Previously, I set that I want to be rich, i want be a person who is respected by the society, who has a house, a car, a wife, children, family trip once a year and so on. That would be my successful life. The reasons why i dare to set that life because i know that there is way I can do it. Now back to why some people wasting their time and some people value their time so much. It is all about how your set you want to get and keep fighting every fight that you are given. Be conscious that you are on the ring all the time. The minute that you forget yourself, you have to come back. Set a time, and try to do everything according to what you said, if you find out that you can't do according to what you said, and find out why and try to deal with it as soon as possible. Don't just keep the problems stay there. 

So, this is life. That's all. Life is about spending your time fighting for what you want. Whether you lose or win, it doesn't matter because at least you have shown that you have done your best. The meaningful life is the lift without regret, so failure or success is not a point, the point is that you have tried to do something for your life. 

This is the great realization, and i wish myself good luck and keep fighting with what i really want in life. Try to forgive myself as much as i can, and try to get back to right track, and analyze your mistake and try to avoid the same mistake. Learn from the mistake. 

After knowing this, you realize that there is only 24 hours a day to. There are 6 hours to fight for sleeping. To me, even sleeping, i have to find the right way to get to sleep also. Fighting every second to go back to do my project as i have set the time, trying my best to have a good communication with people around me, and trying my best just to live for a day. 

So, the next things is that i have to set out what i have to fight with everyday, know what i like, know what i should do, know who i am and then go for it. 

That should be a secret, so let me write it down in my secret book. But before that, i want myself to fight for my room a little bit. It's kind of messy, right now! 

Good day, blog!

Is it a good ideas to relax as you did today? 

First of all, the idea of relaxation is not in the list of my plan. I never plan to relax, but why i just told myself to relax and do something to refresh it? Because it is the way nature work. If i don't follow the nature, i would have to choice--whether to try my best to continue studying without stop at all or i will be sick after that or stop doing my work because it is too much and i could be crazy. 

This is how the thing work, unless that is the thing that you are like that you can do it that way, but it is something you just start doing, the first thing I should do is to get used to the work that i am dealing with. Take time to get used it to, and at the same time try to do something else to entertain you a little bit at the interval. If you plan to go straight without stop, it's like you eat chicken chop without drinking water. No matter how delicious the food is , you still will be fed up with it and some point and you can't eat it unless you can have a sip of orange juice. That's is the nature. 

So, now i've got the new formulation for the way for me study. Unless the thing is emergence or it is something that i like, i won't force myself to overwork. For example, i am supposed to sleep 8 hours a day, so i have to follow that scheme. I can't violet that. Whether i violate the time i sleep or i violate the time that i get up. 

In conclusion, what i have learned from today is that i can't really disconnect to what i have been addicted immediately. If i really want to get out of that, it would take time. The only way that can work for permanently is to do it gradually. I can't just stop it without any good reason. 

The next thing, that i want myself to do is to go to the program and work with the program for 2 hours. Try to explore it, if you find something new or interesting , write it down, if you think you make a mistake, take note of the mistake, try to correct and learn from it. That is the way you work. I don't want you to stop in the middle, Imagine that using that program is a game. Just go to it with a book, and try get it done. Any obstacles or mistakes, just note it down. Mistakes or obstacles are stone to success. Good luck for that. 

Again? Today, i have done something that i didn't plan to do again. I went to eat outside with Ratana. More than that, i drank a can of beer, but it doesn't affect me anything. I just feel normal. The point is that i want to watch Euro Cup highlight, and i want to go to facebook to visit a houy, and i want to listen to some music. These are all the things that i have banned myself. And according to the principle, i can't do all those things at all, why? because they will lead to another distracting thing, i will keep doing thing that distract me. I may find some excuses such as i can do it tmr, or it is not too late yet. It's not about all these things, this is about only one thing and the thing is i will let myself go with it. I won't control myself at all. Believe me, it's who you are. If you are going to go back to all those things, you are going to become the old person, the person that lead his life without any goal, the person without any principle, the person who is full of shit.

So, since i can't do those things. What should i do now? I still have stomach ache. and I am a bit lazy right now. So what should i do. Remember that this is the obstacles that come to tests you. How far you can go this time?

Anyway, are you happy with what you are doing now or not? Do you want to go back to your old life? A life without any control, you can do anything you want, but you don't have any goal, you are not disciple at all. You are stressful all the time. Most of the time, you kept thinking about suicide. You like talking too much, chatting too much and at night, you can't go to sleep. Your brain is full of shit. It keeps going to find something what is called ego. Try to find something to fill its hole, try to fill it with something that never stop such as girls, jobs, everything that is not really matter now. The only thing that is matter now is only one thing which is FYP.I have to do my FYP. You understand that? That's how you are going to deal with yourself. Just focus and think of FPY only.

Now, there are 3 obstacles such as lazy, sleepy, and stomach ache. If i can get rid of laziness, i can get rid of sleepiness. For stomach ache, i have to wait for another 30 and sees. Now try to get rid of laziness first. There are a few things i can do to get rid of laziness. I can go to take my clothes and put them into my closet. Ok, let's go and see, how many percent, i can reduce my laziness.

Still being lazy. Ok, now let's try to clean my table and keep saying that you love earthquake.

Still! How about reading self development a few chapters Let's see!

Still sleepy, and lazy, but the stomach ache is kind of released now. Hope it will be ok. I am really sleepy and lazy because i ate too much and i also drink a can of beer. I think there are some other ways i can do now. Whether i just try to start reading my project because i may love reading cuz i have some ideas about it already. or I may go to take bath a little bit first, washing myself as hard as i can. That's maybe better, but don't sleep and do nothing. Let's try the first one for 15mns. if i am still sleepy, i will go to take bath.

Ok, when i just simply read the note, i become less lazy. But not really excited to do it. But it is actually moving on. that's the best part actually, as long as it moves on whether slow or fast, it is my ability. At least, i can know my real potential.

Next is the 3 important stages. I have to understand them. What does it means? If i don't understand anything, i have to go to wiki, and search and ask, and try to understand the basic formula. It must be difficult and quite a big challenge for me, and i have to win it. Ok, in order not to waste the time anymore, i have to set the time to do it, and start doing as fast as i can. try to understand it. Let's go! Take bath, come back and sit straight till 2. Hope i can finish them in 3 hours.

I broke out all the rule in 2hours

For the last 2 hours, i have been broken out the rule that i have set. I did in intentionally. I want to know what will i become after i have been trying to deal with my project for a long time and just try to go away without the rule for one hour. Result? I feel bad right now. I don't think it's good for me to go to facebook, to listen to music, to talk to my friends because I am easily distracted. Only if I try to go back to my fyp easily that it would be fine for me, but it's not fine now because my mind keep thinking that i have violet the rule that i have set. I am going to try to sleep at 3 by not bringing the remorse with me. Let's say it's a failure and it's a lesson. Don't try to go for entertainment again tmr, try to think what would happen if you are lazy.

Not according to plan

I have done something else which is not according to my plan. I plan to take bath, drink water, and come back to study immediately, but there was something pop into my mind and i decided to do that. I decided to wash my clothes, and clean my room. I long to do that for a long time, but i don't have the courage to do that because i was lazy, so i toke that opportunity to do that as fast as i can. I don't know whether what i did is good or not. I have done something good, but it's not according to the plan, i lose to myself again.

Hmm... it's about the fight, it's not a perfect fight, at least, you do something that was useful. It's better than going to sleep and do nothing, by the way. However, while i was doing it, i forget to remind myself of my FYP again. I should have reminded myself of earthquake again and again. I should start reminding it now. Earthquake, and take bath, and go to take my clothes and lay them so that tonight i can sleep very well without feeling the dust in my nose anymore.

Let's do it for 10mns and come back to study as soon as i can. Let's go and see what will happen again this time!

Miss some hours this morning

Last night, i couldn't sleep well, so i couldn't wake up to do the exercise as I plan. So, what's now?  I start to feel disappointment, and now i want to give up and go back to my own routine--watching football, chatting, talking, playing fb, and so on. I want to violate all my rule. I want to violate all these rules because now i am lazy and i don't know what to do. I know that i have to work on my project but since i am lazy, i don't feel like doing it. I think it's time i should try to find the way to this problem. Consider it as a challenge and fight with it, win it, don't let it get you this time, try as much as you can to win over your mind set. Try your best to this, don't always let this get you.

You just made a mistake by talking quite a lot just now, and I should have prevented myself from talking too much, that's not good. However, i haven't done anything to it. I should be more conscious than this.

At some point, i feel tired of fighting, but you know what? This will be the best fight! You are born in this world to fight, to play the game of life. If you don't play with it, you are considered a loser, and a loser have no happiness. A loser only feeling regret about what have happened because he knows himself that he didn't try his best for the fight, he didn't prepare well for the fight. Whether you want to fight or not, that's not an option. You are already on the ring, you gotta find way to beat down your opponent who is yourself. Don't let yourself win over you again and again. This will become a habit.

Like right now, myself tell me whether i should sleep or do nothing, because laziness is inside me now. What i should do now is to prepare my table first, and drink more water and come back to express my idea again. Let's see whether by doing this and that would make me feel more lazy or what!

I am back. it was just 5 minutes Feeling? Still sleepy and lazy? Yeah, kind of! ok! let's spend another 5minutes on reading self development. Read it not for the sake of reading, read it to undersand it and apply it. Let's go.

I have read one introduction and one chapter in self development. It's kind of good advice to teach me to be patient. One: think that life is hard, obstacles are road to success. 2: Have a hero and follow him! My hero is bong Kol. At this time, he would sleep a little bit and get up take bath and go to work heartfully. 3. Take care of your health and your mine, drink a lot of water, do exercise if you can. 4: Stop worring. 5: Start everyday with happy face, 6 have friends who are highly patient and follow what they do.

Remember that everyone is the same like you. There is time that they are lazy. God creates human the same way. He gave us one brain to think. It is up to individual to think and do what is good for themselves.

I am still yawning! Let's drink some water and wash my face. Let's see what would happen.

Hmm... a lot better.

What now? Should I try to focus on my FYP?  what is my problem this time?

I think it's my mindset. I kept thinking about girls most of the time and something that make me feel comfortable rather than thinking of pushover analysis. I should start blocking the happy thought, and go for how to deal with my FYP. That would be a lot of better. It's only my mindset. Once i change my mindset about it, everything is going to be fine. Let's see how i put my mindset to love my work.

Ok, Think this way: FYP is all about testing your potential. How far you can go with your patient, how far you can go with your research. How much effort you put in your fyp? So it's just a test of my life before i go to work, so let show them that you are worthy for this task by trying to be patient as much as you can with your work. Also, think that you like Earthquake analysis because who know what might happen n the future, what would i become, future is still there, Maybe, cambodia will get earthquake one day and it's time to go and study about earthquake and then my skill will be great. And you know what, earthquake is great phenomena that i should know to prevent everything from dangerous. Also, it could test me what i really like.

Let's try this: Keep thinking of earthquake and tell yourself that you like earthquake until you feel like that you really like it. It is law of attraction. Let's apply it.

This method works, but it is slowly. I slowly like it. It's better than wasting my time sleeping and doing nothing. At least, i feel like i want to know more about earthquake, and i feel like i need to read it more. Now I think i want to do it a little bit faster, It's time for me to try to be patient and read it and try to understand it. I want to apply my strategy of studying it for 50mns and rest for 10mns. For resting time, i can come to write my blog to express how this method work again. Let's be ready by drinking a cup of water, clear my table, go to take bath, and come back and work straight. See how fast i can go. Remember, be fast and try to understand to learn from it, not just reading it. 

Can't sleep

Ok, now, I can transform what is running in my head into writing. Now, I am sleep writing this. I just type whaterver in my head and see what is happpening in my head. Ok, let's start:

Now, it seems that nothing is happening now. Still waiting for the input of my brain. zoy ;ppld gim ypfpp yjod / zo kidy trs;oxr yjsy ,u ntsom od yjomlomh om Rmh;odj/ yjsyjd eju o lrr[ etoyomh om Rmh;odj/ zo grr; ;olr o o,[tpbomh ,u etoyomh smf ,u yjomlomh s ;py dovr o lrr[ yjomlomh Rmh;odj om ,u jrsf . niy o fpm
y grr; ;olr o o,[tpbr ;odyrmyomh dlo;; ury. domvr o fpm
y pt vsm
y ;odyrm yp ,idov. nrvsidr oy vsm fodytsv ,r mpy yp fp ,u eptl/ Svyis;;u. d;ohjy;u ;odyrm yp ,idov od pl. niy oyjr [tpn;r, od yjsy o vsm
y vpmytp; ,udr;g ejrm o o;odyrm yp pmr dpmh. o eo;; esmy yp ;odyrm yp smyprjt dpmh ejovj ;rrsfomh yp smpyjrt dpmh. smf o eo;; gomf ,udr;g fpomh dp,ryjomh r;dr nrdofm dyifuomh/

grr; dp smmpu eoyj ,u gsvr tohjy mpe nrvsidr oy od oyvju. o ytu yp esdjo ,u gsvr eoyj gps, ,pdy pg yjr yo,r. niy oy dyo;; oyvju. o fpm
y lmpe jpe yp frs; oeoyj oy smu,ptr dp,ryo,r/ zkidy ;ry oy nr. o hirdd zoy
d mpy yjr tohjy yo,r yp jsbr ;pbr ury. dp nrsiyu od mpy o,[tpysmy yp ,r/

Dp,ryo,rd. o o,shomr yjsy yjr hot; yjsy o s, sgyrt eo;; vpmgrdd yp ,r smf o epim;fm
y lmpe ejsy yp fp/ Yjsy
d dpimf pg dyi[of/ zo fpmy lmpe eu rbrtu yo,r o dysty gpviomh pm ,u dyifuomh o dysty yp grr; mpy mpt,s;/ o grr; yrmdr. dp o epm
y tr;sc. ,u ntsom kidy lrr[ yjomlomh snpiy yjod smf yjsy/ oyd ;olr oy
d ytuomh yp eptl dp,ryjomh piy. niy og ,u ntsom d;rr[ yjsy epi;f nr s [tpn;r,. o epi;f d;rr[ smf hry i[ sy we shsom smf o epi;f nr grr; nsf snpiy ,udr;g shsom/

zo trs;;u grr; mpy hppf yp ys;l snpiy ,u dnpyjrt . vpidomr. ejp od dip[[prf yp jsbr s hppf giytir niy mpe yitm piy yp nr s [rtdpm ejp od ytuomh yp sbpof s;; yj r[rp[;r nrvsidr jr od ypp dyinnpitm eoyj jod ;ogr. jr fprmd
y esmy yp ;odyrm yp smunprfu. jr gomf s eogr nu jo,rd;rg. yupi drr yjsyz ds,[;rz upi vpi;f nr ;olr yjsy ypp og upi str ypp dyinnptm. o lmpe yjsy upi str trd[pmdon;r gpt upi ;ogr. niy dp,yo,rd. up jsbr yp pt djpi;f ;odyrm yp pyjrt [rp[;r
d sfbovr nrvsidr dp,ryo,rd upi str ypp pnddrfddrf eoyj dp,r ofrs yjsy vpi;f ;rsf upi yp jr;;/ zupi yjpihjy yjsy epi;f nr pl. ni svyis;;u oy od mpy/ yjrtr str ,smu yjomh d yjsy upi yjoml upi lmpe. niy svyis;;u upi mlpe mpyjomh. upi str ykidyu  ytuomh yp ,slr oy i[/

zn;ph od yjr [s;vr yp djpe pt rc[rdd s;; yjr grr;omh upi jsbr. yjsyd hppf. niy ,u n;ph . mpynpu vsm drr oy pm;u ,r vsm drr oy/

Dp,r nppld dsof yjsy uupi jsbr yp yjoml pg mpe omp ptfrt yp nr js[u . ursj. mpe od yjr ,pdy o,[ptysmy yjomh. niy dp,r rp[;r omyrt[tryr om yp yjr etpmh yjomh. ndp,r [rp[;r kidy ;odyrm yp oy smf [tsvyodr smf yjrm gpthry yp [sm gpt yjor giytr emssmf ejrm yjr [tpn;r, vp,r yjruu eo;; hp yp n;s,r yjr nppl smf dsu yjsy oy od yjr nppl ejp ,slr ,r nvp,r ;olr yjod smf o jysy ,u ;ogr. yjod nppl ,idy nr tr[dpmnod;r bpt ,u ;ogr. smf yjsyd ni;; djoy. upi str yjr pmr ejp tr[dpomn;r gpt upi ;ogr. upi ,su omyrt[try oy etpmh upitd r;g . hp nsvl trsf yjr nppl smhsom. dp,ryo,r upi ,od imfrtdysmf snpiy rjy vpmvr[y smf upi n;sm,r yjr nppl/

o fpm
y lmpe ejru ejrm o dyp[ yjomomh pg dopyjomh yjsy vyjomh drr, yp vp,r yp ,r sniy,syovs;;u. z od oyjod gsyr pt ejsyZ ejrm o frvofr mpy yjoml psnpiy nhot; . yod drr, dyjsy hot;d vp,r yp ,r. o tim omyp s hot; yjod rbrmomh. ysmf yjsy egr;y hppf. o fpmlkl;kgl

jpe ,smu ,omiyrd jsbr o etoyyrm mpe. o fpm
y lmpe/ o kidyl lrr[ etoomh nrvsir o ;ol retomh / o yjoml o djpi;f vpmdofrt etooyomh oy omyjr tohjy esu/

zog upi str s [ppt [rtdpm. smf upi rmf d i[ [ppt. yjsy epi;f nr pl/ zniy og upi idrf yp nr tovj pt ,rfio,s smf diffrm;yu upi vnrvp,r [ppt. upi yjrtr str yrmfrmvu yjsy upi ,su vp,,oyyr diovofr nrvsidr yjr ytmf vjsmhr ypp gsdy yjsy upi vpi;fm
y sf[ssy yp oy/ upi jsbr yp gomf esu yp sfsy[ upit dr;g yp oy omvsdr yjod lomf pg ,syyrt ojs[[rm om yp ;ogr/ eju yjpyjpihj vp,r om yp ,u ,omf s;; yjr yo,r. g

;ry ytu yp ,rfoysyr. mpe ;odyrm yp pit ntrsyjs fm ytu ypgpvi pm upit omfdofr pg upit npfuiu y,t o s,hpomh yp hp gpt kphhom hom yjr rst;u ,ptmomh ypp. oysmf oy
d yjr gody fsu. so s, dytpmh;u nr;ogr yjsy o vsm fp oy nrvsidr yjsy
 d,r. o epi;f nr snp;r yp fo oy fpm
y epttu/ o eo;; vsm fp oy nrvisr o fs;esud fp oy/ . o vsm
y o,shomr ,u ;ogr yp nr s [ppt [rtdpm s [rtdpm eoyjpiy smuyjomh. o trs;;u nsgtsof pg yjsy. o vpim
y sgpsfo yp pfp yjsy. ojbr nrrm eptu om ,u ;ogr s;pmh ;pmh yo,r shpms mf mpe yjr yo,r jsd vp,ryjsy o dvsm etoy rsmuyjomh o esmy. oy
d gim yp kidy yu[r yjomh ysyj upi kidy fpm
y lmpe yjslrjomyd eotyjom pt etpmh . niy kidy lrr[ etoyomh. yogjrjtr od [rp[;r etrsfomh upit eptf mdyje. yjru epi;f nr vstxu yp kidy eyp oodlkom yjr ,ptmomh. yjrtr str ; py pg p[rp[;r yjr dvjpp;. o esd om hstlfksqlksgl yjod od yj r,rdsyr yjsy o esmy yp drmf yp lkyjr yji,sm nromh om yjr eptl;. yjrtr str [rp[;r ejp str d[rvos; smf yjrtr str jep mpy nppi; djo[yl .u pi jbr yp lmpe yjsy [hppf ptrdpm . np yjsy yjru eo;; ntomh upi yp nr s hppf [rtdpm. ypp og p str mpy shppf [rtdpm. upi eo;; hp eoiyj s mpy shsohppf [rtdpm smf rmf oi[ nromh s yjorg pt nromh s nsf [rtdpm . nyutuo yp nr shh pfk;lkk[oklfgklkglklk
yjod omd yjr ;sdy eptlf om esmy up kdjpstry jrtr rjtrj str ,smu yjomh o esmy yp etoym jrtr . niy o fpm
y lmpe ejsy yp fp. syjrtr str st ;py pg [rp[;r om yjod eptl sjfm o fpm
y lmpe smf mpe o flmpe smyjrtr str s ;py pgpk

eotlf uvu p id vominh snf i dyil edlrrpind,g

yhrt str kjkgjsgier
fkgjfkdjgdfdg
kjkjfijir
hshs
ehsy yhr hrll i dyhidz/ 
zi etiysrl slmody million og oetf sltrsf, yshnf i eoioueoulfn'y trsf yhsy id sshin, once upoton ti a time in the long usa , there is a kid who sleep wrining , in his mind, he just keep thinking and doing nothering, this ais a story of a kid who never go oto school, 

once a upon atime, there was a kid, wh want to go skaingi so much, bu ehe sidn't hvae anymoneyo wspen do f 

I know what I really want now

I have been searching for what I really want or what is my goal since I realize how important goal setting is. However, the process of searching for this goal is very hard for me. It takes me at least 8 years to find out what my goal is, or what i really want. I've been asking myself, burning my desire toward something like house, car, family and so on. I told myself those material, and happiness should be my goal which I am supposed to remember them most of the time. However, it's now how my mind work. After a while, I realize that those goals faded away day by day as I only feel like having them for a short time. The reason why I want to have them for a short time because i feel like having those and living the life i am having now is all very similar. That's why i can't get near to the goal because i have been ignored it. Until today when i discuss with my brother about my situation, i realize that the way i work is another way round, I don't want the life of luxurious maybe because i already have one, so that why i ignore it. But now, i think another way round, i think that what if i don't have the good and rich life? What if i become a worker, or a farmer who bring disgrace to my family? Then i started to think of my future living in a very poor condition like Bong Kunthea. This could be happened if i keep doing what i am doing nowadays, complaining about everything, thinking of committing suicide almost everyday.

Now, I am really afraid of that future that is why i am setting my goal not to go to that direction. I can't imagine living in this society where i am a poor person and seeing most of my friends and family are living their rich life. I am in the upper class of the society. I am not showing off about it. But think of it, I am having friends who are in all good students, most of my friends are scholarship students, and some are already rich, and some are going to be rich. My brother is building his empire toward being rich, my sister and brother is already success in their life, they have kids, save money for kids to school, having job and everything already. I am the only one who is left, so whether I try to get out of the hell, or I should go to the hell for the rest of my life. I have at least another 34 years to go, and i have been stressful for almost one decade just to study in university. It's not that i have been stressful all the time, but the way i live is not right. I didn't do what i supposed to do. I just ignore my university life and doing very very bad on my subject.

However, that's my life. It's already pass and my cgpa is not that bad also,. I got 3.33 which is very good enough to continue my master, but about the knowledge? Am I capable of doing anything? I think yes, I believe that as long as my hope alive and i can do the right thing back, i will be able to do anything. I have my brother who can help me with my job. It's not that i am going to depend on him 100%, it is just that he have all the resources and i can ask him any time i want as long as i am eager enough to improve myself. And that's not late. I plan to work very very hard for the first 3 year of my working life. I want to learn from the job, and i want to learn the thing that i miss in the university. It's never too late, i think. I will use my free time, if i have, to study other special course relating to my skill, and i try to improve myself in every ways, i can.

Since i chose to walk this way, the way that i can do to make myself rich like others, i am not going to be hopeless anymore. I believe that this is the life that i am supposed to have. I don't want to waste my time with useless thing anymore. I want a normal life, a simple life. Have a job, have a house, have a car, get married, have kids, bring the kids up, pay for their school, and pay for their marriage, and leave some heritage for them. That's all.

So when i am old, and my time come, i would rest in peace. And I hope that for rest of my life living on this earth, i would like to convert my stress toward stress trying to fight with the challenge, not stress doing nothing. Like today, i fight with it since 8-2am. I slept for 1 hour and a half along the way, i walk to think for one 30mns. look like i waste 2 hours, but i still earn my 4 hours. And that's the challenge that i fight today. I will keep fighting everyday for not being poor and left out in this earth.

I don't want to live in the hell alone. 

Blogger and Facebook

By spending time on blogger and facebook, I have known what is going on with the people around me, how they spend their lives, what they have and so on. For a while, I will forget the remorse that i should have done something for my FYP. However, this FYP keeps haunting me not to enjoy those activities peacefully. Once a while, it will attack me in my brain, and i would try to find the way to forget about it until at one point, i feel like the time is too late already, and I am going to keep saying Fuck Me!!! That's what i would say to myself and most of the time I would keep thinking of suicide because that is the last thing i think i can do to avoid the most painful result that would happen.

So, this is what I get from my facebook and blogger. Not to mention about others stuffs that i used to forget about FYP such as excuses of still having a lot of time( not even one month, i dare to count), watching movie, listening to music, going jogging, chatting with random people, dreaming of bright future, looking for new ideas, writing blog and so on.

This is the choice that I take. I decided not to think about it yet, I wait till tomorrow when i get up, take lunch,then i would think about it. And when the time come, i would find more excuse about being sleepy, and the jogging time is coming. Millions excuses are waiting. 

Knowing everything about what would happen, but still I do not prevent it. What does it mean? Whether I do it now or later, i will still be doing it unless I don't want to graduate yet. I have no right to force myself because it is too strong now. It's quite late now. Just go to bed and sleep. One last small piece of advice, think of how hard your parents try to bring you up!

Just another thought

Since I cannot go to bed for some reasons, i had a thought of throwing away my old souvenir given by my ex-girlfriend, and some stuffs, which i think drag me back. While I was checking those stuffs, I found a watch that I loved so much. Before, i decided to throw it into the plastic bag to throw it away, I checked whether It was still alive or not. It was alive!! I was kind of happy to see it alive, so I told myself to wash it and see. After washing it, and feel that It still looked great though there are a lot of scratch on it's surface, I still really love it. And now, I decided to use it again. I hope it won't be dead again. This time, in case, it will be dead, I will bring it to get fixed because I still love it.

From this watch, I learn that in our life, there are something that we really love at one point. Once that love feeling exists, no matter what that thing becomes, the memory of how exciting that thing give us is still alive in our memory. I know that the love between my ex-gf and mine is already faded away, and we are walking on our sides now, but the memory that we loved each others, care for each others, made each other cry are all still exist no matter what. We can force ourselves not to think about it, but it is still there because it is memory. We cannot erase it from our mind.

Nevertheless, now, i have another watch which given by my brother-in-law, the expensive one which I also love so much. And I decided to wear it both,  and use it both. I can love 2 watches at the same time, but can I love two girls at the same time? Will I still love my ex-gf if I have a new girlfriend? My mind may say "Yes, You can" because it is the nature of human being. We love, like, hate, many things in our life at the same time. It is perfectly normal to have that feeling. That's why there are some people who have more than one girlfriends or wives. This is human's nature, the most devil thing. However, It is wrong to have more than one wife or gf at the same time because they are also human being; they are not things like watches. They can think and feel hurt like us too, so no matter what your wife or gf becomes, you must support and love her even though you have to pretend because living in this life is not all about you, yourself. The happiness comes from people around you. In case, both of you stop loving each other, that's when breakup time comes. But if one still loves another, the one who love the other one, will do anything for the one he or she loves even though the other sides doesn't love back. 

The last part of what I wrote is quite complicated to read and I am sorry for that. I hope you can get what I really mean to say. If someone loves you, let them do it, but just make sure they also know how you feel about them.