I am really really sick

I have no life, and i am really really sick. I really want to commit suicide right now. I want to avoid all the responsibility that i have. Nobody can understand me. People just expects me to good. and i am really sick of that. I can't say out how i really feel; nobody really cares about me because people are crazily only care about themselves. This is how life in this society is. You are always on your own. You are actually always on your own. Nobody can help you, even God can't help you if you don't want to help yourself. I really want to hit my face whenever i think of suicide. It seems that it is a normal words for me. and it seems that this word is just plain to use for me now. You think this is something funnY? you think people will give sympathy? Think again, man!

Why should i think again? Sooner or later, people will die, and it's not the matter who is going first or who is going last. The reason why society prevent people from suiciding is that it is the most simple act to avoid responsibility, so if it is the most simple act, and it is acceptable like in Japan, people will tend to commit suicide rather living. How can they live in a society which full of competition and you can't compete with others? How can you live when looking out, you only see people who are better than you? I know that judging is not good, but what can i do? This is the thing that i can say what i feel right now. I feel that i am so depress. I feel that i have no more life. i feel that everything is worst for me, i feel that my life is going to end soon, i feel that i have no friends, i feel that i have no girlfriend, i feel that i have no knowledge. i really really hate myself right now. Please let me die, God!

Talking about God! Where are you? Do you really exist? Or the evil side is much stronger than you now that you can't even stay near me? I do not understand this? Why some people have a miracle in their life, but not me? Why can't i find a time that the miracle come to me and change my life? Why can't i do anything about my life right now? How can i do this alone? Why not God come into my side? I really really hate God, right now, for you never come to my life and you always , i think, laugh at me for being stupid.

I sometimes don't understand my life. Why you push me up till here? Why don't you pick any other people? I feel that i don't deserve this. I always thought i wouldn't have chance to get what this is for me! I really want to give this life to those who deserve it, but not me! like my brother, i think he deserve to study abroad, he deserve to have enjoy this life much more than me.

I am really stressful now. i don't see any sunshine anymore. My life suck and i can't move on. God must hate me too. or is there even God? I don't know. why don't you just come to let people see you? or you are afraid that when you are seen, people will not believe in you anymore? or you are afraid that people will find the way to get to you and attack you and take your place? Why you are considered to be God? Why not me? What have you done to be considered as God? Or actually there is no God at all? Come on! I know that there is no God! People just put your name up because they can't explain the natural phenomena.

If we talk about natural phenomena, it seems that my life up till here is very special. Why? I have been beaten the other million spam to become an egg, and stay in my mum womb for 9 months, and come out of this world with some injury but not die for another  25 years and 6 months.So since that first fighting, i am 26 years, 3 months. It is like, I get the lucky draw to go to a journey one among. So most people who you are see today is the result of getting the lucky draw to the journey of life! Some people get special ticket to be born rich and successful. This journey is no guarantee that you are going to be happy or what. It is just that you are given a life on your own. How you want to do with it, how you want to pay it, is all up to you!!  However, some people are born with limit and some with limitless. Whether you are born with anything, as long as you understand how you can play with life, you are limitless. You can do anything with your life, you can do whatever you want with you life. It's you who need to decide what type of you life you want to have and act on it and go for it, and i'm sure you will get what you really wanted.

Let's compare whose problem is bigger!

Me: Need to submit the progress report by next week. Need to prepare for test 1 of Cultural Anthropolgy. Need to get the result of the FYP2, need to join the SI interview.
Worst Case: Fail FYP2, Screw the family trip, love failure, spend another year with family money to graduate. 

How about Hitler at my age? he was born in 1889. In 1914, he fail his physical test, he was about to join army, but he went back to Munich. He serve Austrian Army for world war I. It means life is full of hardness. No beautiful sky, no internet, no girls, no drinking, no beer. Just serve the army to survive. He was wounded at the second battlefield.

Decision made

What is the purpose of writing this? Will this help me anything? What I am doing here consuming time and energy. Maybe this is the last time that I am going to spend on writing this one.

I used to think that by writing and showing this all the feeling to this, in the future, you can come back to see who you were and feel kind of happy with that. Also, I have collected a lot of photo so that I can spend time in the future with these stuffs when I am alone and find nothing to do.

Is this a good idea, anyway? I have been into the idea of 24 hours a day. I believe that we have only 24 hours a day to live, and spending time on this thing could cut me 1 hour or something. Yeah, I think that should worth it because I am a human being. In the future, I may be far away from the people I love, from my family and so on. And at some point in life after work, we need something to remind of who we were , and why we are living here. So, I think the memory like the video and the picture is perfect to get collection. If you don’t have that it’s like you lose a part of your soul. So I agree with spending time collecting the photo.

However, what about these writing? Should I keep writing this and review it at one point in my life? Writing need a lot of energy. Unless, you like doing it, that would be ok, but if not, no need. I think I should write it once a while for my soul to check what’s my soul feel right now. So writing once a while is ok, Writing the thing that have changed your life is ok. So don’t say that this is the last time you are going to write this. You may write it again in the future to tell what you think about the world, about every relating to your life. If you keep living every 24 hours a day without thinking of these soul once a while, it’s like you don’t know that life actually used to be like this and like that.

So, now let me focus on what I want to say today. Last week, on Monday, I woke up at 1 or 2 o’clock everyday, I wanted to get up early in the morning and have a good breakfast so that I have the energy to work with my project because my due date of the project is coming up. I didn’t know what to do and how to do my project. Everyday, I kept thinking about the suicide. I wish there would be a miracle that can bring me out of that situation. My future was close, I can’t see anything anymore. MY hope is dead. It was lucky or should say that It was a miracle that on that day I met Tra and Vuthy, and they offered me a ride to go to play Futsal. On the way, they asked me about my project. I told them that I was crying a lot because I didn’t know how to get out of that. And Vuthy is the one who to make sure that I will get out of that. The rest of the days, I went to stay with them in Tronoh, and I change my habit completely. I change to be like them. I did what they did.  And Vuthy help me to start my project and finally, I get the result from my SV’s assistant and get the result to put in the progress report. The lecturer comment to fail me for the fyp. For the last 5 days, I have been trying to get myself back to work with the project again. Everyday I was afraid of failing, but I didn’t lose hope and I didn’t give up. I reduced playing facebook and I increase communicating with vuthy and tra and people around me. For a while I was feeling like I have my life back. However, after yesterday when I discussed again with my SV about the project, the tension seems to be relieved and I seem to come to back the stage of the old me. I went back to my room to get some sleep. I visit facebook more often, almost every chance I can get to the computer.  I feel not good about myself for doing those thing again. Actually, wasting another day is not important, but the important thing is the feeling after that wasting day. My day seems not complete, I seem not be happy with my life because I haven’t done anything useful to my day at all. Up to this point, I realize that it’s not about the past, it’s all about now. Even though, you are not rich, you are very poor, you don’t have anything with you at all with your life, your life would be miserable if you are too free, you are not doing the thing that you life and you are not having a good companion. These are the three important in life from Mr. Mogan whose age is around 50. He has been living in this earth for 50 years, and that’s what he found for his life. I want to prove that his point is right. When you are free, you seem to think of something that useless, and when that thought come, you become more lazy and when you become more lazy, you are starting to waste some 24hour of your day, and that lose is the miserable thing which lead to feeling guilty and so on. However, if you spend those time with something as long as it’s something no matter what. It’s like helping others, doing the house chore and so on. As long as you spend those time on something, you will feel more happy. So keep yourself busy is the best thing to make you happy.  Next is to do the thing that you like which could produce money for your own living. We are born in this world with responsibility. You have to work to earn money. And to be happy with that responsibility you have to find the thing that you like, the thing that make you feel proud of. So by working and earning money with that favourite , you can be much more happy. The last thing is a good companion. At some point in your life, you will be down, sometimes very down, and that’s the time that your good friend, your family, anyone with helpful hand, who willing to help you to get out of that is the best  companion  because at that down time, you can’t be happy, you are hopeless, and so on, and that person is the one is with you all the time, take your time, and help you, motivate you, and support you no mater what you do , no matter how bad you are. This is the person that should be stand by you forever and that’s kind of person is the person that I should value the most with your life because without them, you are nothing , or you may fail to somewhere already, so never forget what they do for you and always think of them because without them your life is just like nothing. You can compare that by playing facebook. You now have 2 accounts, right? One is your real account with friends that you know. Most of them are just normal friends, some of them are great friends like Koung, Vuthy, Tra, Sathya, Voleak, and so on, the friends that can be there for you when you are upset. And the other account are friends who you never know, you just know them in facebook. So now imagine living in real life with that. Living without understand somebody clearly is a lonely life that people shouldn’t be experience because that would be the most sad thing in the world. We need to have more friends who are like tra and vuthy. They help me, they spend their valued time with you because you mean something to them. So you should do something for them in that case. Don’t ignore about them. Try your best to do what is good for them. It’s life. Have a good companion, and don’t be selfish.

That’s all I want to say for today. I still have problem with myself on the focusing on pushing myself. Tonight,I will contact my brother and try to get the thing done by tomorrow.

There is no turning point, there is no miracle!

Sometimes in life when we are going to far from what we want to be or want to go, we always wish for a miracle or a turning point so that we can start our life in a new directions. There were many times that i think that i have met those moment, but all are not. So i just conclude that there is no such a moment. I am still who i am! It's not change since i was born. Everything in this world change, but your soul never change. It's who you really are. Most people want to know who they really are, but they never find one because they keep assuming that they are what they did or what they thing and that's not right. You may say you are a happy person, but maybe tmr you may become the saddest person in the world. Everything in this world change except your soul. Your soul is always there. Your soul is in the moment you are living now. When you speak, think, without any focus, you are forgetting your soul again.

The more you write, the more you think! In order to reducing thinking, you have to reduce writing! and sit and relax and watch what come into your mind.

Dear, 

Why can't you help me this morning? And you even help your parents also. Why do you forget everything you said? I think it is because you keep thinking about something useless all the time. Just help yourself to stop thinking about anything that is useless anymore. 

I think i can't keep focusing on happy thought anymore. Look at me. Damn! Help yourself to go to take bath from him and go to have lunch now. Make it quick. 

so, now it's time to go to bed :) !!! You are a great person. You can go through anything :) ... Keep smiling! You have me who standing next to you all the time. I will try to help you out all the time. Anything you can't do, left it to me, i will try my best to help you out. There is nothing impossible for you. Just tell me, then i would do anything. I know you want to prepare your table, to fill the water, and to take a shower. I would do it for you before you go to sleep. Don't be worried ok, the world is not going to end. You are not going to go to jail. Just do your best from today to help your parents, :) Be patient nah cuz it's what they want to see in you. This too will pass. If you can't sleep, remember that i will sing you songs or we can do this little thing to boost up your desire or power by imagination about what kind of life that you want. Then you get up early in the morning and start making the world beautiful together. :)

Good night, my dear! Always love you! I'll take care of you no matter what you become.

Everything in this world have it owns value no matter what. For example, when i was young two hundred real which is equal to 20cent now is every valuable. I can spend that money on bread with pork, or soup pork meatball, or i can play game, or i can invest it on playing ball with others kid. It can keep me live with a high moment whether it's good or bad. To have such a money, i have to wait for every morning come cuz it was when my mum gave me that money. Whether i used that to do what i want is my choice. Most of the times, my choices always lead to disappointment because there are many things, i can do it with, but i can only chose one among them. Then most of the time, i invest it in gambling. Finally, i normally got nothing. I torture myself like that all the time.

How about now? Is that money really important to you? You now have money, but there is nothing that can bring you high like that. But to some people, that money may can get them high at some point. This teaches me that everything have its value. It just that you don't see the values inside it. Even the music that you are listening right now, to some people it means magic. To you, it's just some kind of entertainment for me to pass the time.

I really want to give this life to someone like me in the past. i want him to have the money, the property that i have such as friends, money, bike, watch, laptops and everything. I feel like i want to leave everything behind and walk into somewhere quiet so that i wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore. Sometimes, i wonder is it hard just to die? What if it's hard but at the end you will no longer exist. Your life is just end. There will be no heaven or hell. You just disappear in this world. Nothing at all after that. You are just a an animal which exist in this world because of the natural phenomena. That's it. All the things, you are told are just not really true, nothing you are seeing, knowing, hearing, are all just an assumption of people who has been exist due to this phenomena. That should life is supposed to be. There will be no others things than that. There are many mysterious things in this world that cannot be explained. But if i really leave this world, it is just that people who knows you will be sad but for a while only. Although some of them will never forget you, but so what? It is a just a part of life. It's like you are missing bong phoan, you are missing sopha, and so on. They are always in your memory, but so what? No one can be happy all the time.

Life is supposed to be an exciting journey. Yeah, it was. There were times when you are afraid, you are happy, you are sad, you are hurt. That's what make life meaningful. Life is like a ticket to the earth and go back to somewhere that no one guarantee what it is about.

Damn! I couldn't control myself now. I believe I can. Just take a deep breath. and tell yourself to focus on this. Also, you have to close your facebook first. With facebooks, and other entertainment, you cannot really focus on something at all. Believe me, you will keep going back to study about others people's life but not your life. Just focus on your life, dude!

OK, done! Now, look at yourself. I couldn't help but to like my  body and my hair so much. I just fall in love with myself. Sometimes, i hate that i love myself because when i start to love myself, i'm afraid, i couldn't take care of myself like this forever and one day, everything is going to be worse. But who care, as long as i love myself and take care of myself now, then i will be happy. If only in the morning, i get early and do some work out to see my body fit and study hard from 8-12, and 1-5. and from 5-9: Sport time and 9-1: another study time. That will be my happiest day. The problem is that it is so hard for me to focus on it in the morning since my brain was still numb and happy with with the dream in the morning. I know that dreaming is just an illusion, and it's really make me feel great with it, but at the end i am just disappointed with my day. I guess, good dream is like drug, get up and purchase the dream is the right thing.

You know what i am tired of fighting with myself and relax like 2 weeks. i really hate that and I find myself really bad about that. I feel like I take life not really serious and i don't really have exact purpose. I don't want to be emotional and cry again. I know that I am a man, i can be strong and i can do whatever i tell myself to do. If I want to stop playing facebook, i would just can do that because I am a man. if i tell myself to sit straight and focus on this for the rest of the night, i would do that and i would focus because that is who i am. Like i play futsal, when i tell myself to be good at it and focus on the ball, i would never let the ball get in.

Now, i want to talk about what is in my mind. First of all, i feel that i have a lump in my nipple. If it is really a lump, it means that there is a chance that i would have cancer. I don't want to tell this to anyone. I want to be happy with it and see whether it could hurt me or not. So far, it wouldn't hurt me if i don't touch it. I don't know why i have this feeling that i couldn't live long since i was young. Since i realize what is life line in the palm, i felt that my life is shot because my life line is short. Actually, i shouldn't have this journey in my life. there were many times that i am not supposed to live until here. The first time is when I was in my mum's womb. There was time when my mum thought that i would be dead and he wanted to bring me out meaning to abort me, but when the operation date come, i was hidden without any reason. It seems that i have a strong organism to protect myself from any hard. At the age of 5, i got a long cut with 40 stitches on my left belly. Luckily, there was a doctor there who have everything to operate. If not, i may lose all my blood and be dead already. Since then, i have doubt about cancer at my kidney, but when i check for the second times, The doctor said it was not. Now i feel that i have a breast cancer. It seems that life try to play with me many times. Does it try to teach me something? I don't know what my life will be, but looking back everything is going to fine all the time. The problem is only that my mind was like hell at some point in there. Most of the time, i kept thinking about something that is stupid.

What if i could convert those thoughts into something i should focus on? Wouldn't be my life will fill with meaning? Maybe, i would have at least 3 girlfriends so far, which i had only one so far. Why can't I just live today like there is no yesterday and there is no tmr?

What if i can draw my whole life, and i am the one who control it? What would i say? I just need to walk that way. Let's try to draw it out.

From now on, i promise to live my life to help others to the max.

From now on, let's live for only today. Stop watching movie because movie just talk about other people's life. You now know what you should do with your life. You need to help others. That's it!

Ok, now try to help this hopeless person to clean his table and go to sleep :) !!!

Hungry something hot

I am feeling like i want to have a barbeque like hot dog, burger, beef steak, something hot. Soup meat ball is also fine with me. What can I do? I think i can only dream of it. I really want to eat them. But how? How? I don't want to eat cold food, I don't want to eat malay food for tonight. If there is a chance that Ratana can bring me to eat at Kompung Bali that would be great. At least, I can eat hot seaweed soup over there.

Theseday, i watch some movie that show those meatball with the shrimp inside. Really really want to eat that, man! I want to eat Lot Cha as well.

Ok, I think if i can eat sokheang's noodle, this will be better.