I am really really sick

I have no life, and i am really really sick. I really want to commit suicide right now. I want to avoid all the responsibility that i have. Nobody can understand me. People just expects me to good. and i am really sick of that. I can't say out how i really feel; nobody really cares about me because people are crazily only care about themselves. This is how life in this society is. You are always on your own. You are actually always on your own. Nobody can help you, even God can't help you if you don't want to help yourself. I really want to hit my face whenever i think of suicide. It seems that it is a normal words for me. and it seems that this word is just plain to use for me now. You think this is something funnY? you think people will give sympathy? Think again, man!

Why should i think again? Sooner or later, people will die, and it's not the matter who is going first or who is going last. The reason why society prevent people from suiciding is that it is the most simple act to avoid responsibility, so if it is the most simple act, and it is acceptable like in Japan, people will tend to commit suicide rather living. How can they live in a society which full of competition and you can't compete with others? How can you live when looking out, you only see people who are better than you? I know that judging is not good, but what can i do? This is the thing that i can say what i feel right now. I feel that i am so depress. I feel that i have no more life. i feel that everything is worst for me, i feel that my life is going to end soon, i feel that i have no friends, i feel that i have no girlfriend, i feel that i have no knowledge. i really really hate myself right now. Please let me die, God!

Talking about God! Where are you? Do you really exist? Or the evil side is much stronger than you now that you can't even stay near me? I do not understand this? Why some people have a miracle in their life, but not me? Why can't i find a time that the miracle come to me and change my life? Why can't i do anything about my life right now? How can i do this alone? Why not God come into my side? I really really hate God, right now, for you never come to my life and you always , i think, laugh at me for being stupid.

I sometimes don't understand my life. Why you push me up till here? Why don't you pick any other people? I feel that i don't deserve this. I always thought i wouldn't have chance to get what this is for me! I really want to give this life to those who deserve it, but not me! like my brother, i think he deserve to study abroad, he deserve to have enjoy this life much more than me.

I am really stressful now. i don't see any sunshine anymore. My life suck and i can't move on. God must hate me too. or is there even God? I don't know. why don't you just come to let people see you? or you are afraid that when you are seen, people will not believe in you anymore? or you are afraid that people will find the way to get to you and attack you and take your place? Why you are considered to be God? Why not me? What have you done to be considered as God? Or actually there is no God at all? Come on! I know that there is no God! People just put your name up because they can't explain the natural phenomena.

If we talk about natural phenomena, it seems that my life up till here is very special. Why? I have been beaten the other million spam to become an egg, and stay in my mum womb for 9 months, and come out of this world with some injury but not die for another  25 years and 6 months.So since that first fighting, i am 26 years, 3 months. It is like, I get the lucky draw to go to a journey one among. So most people who you are see today is the result of getting the lucky draw to the journey of life! Some people get special ticket to be born rich and successful. This journey is no guarantee that you are going to be happy or what. It is just that you are given a life on your own. How you want to do with it, how you want to pay it, is all up to you!!  However, some people are born with limit and some with limitless. Whether you are born with anything, as long as you understand how you can play with life, you are limitless. You can do anything with your life, you can do whatever you want with you life. It's you who need to decide what type of you life you want to have and act on it and go for it, and i'm sure you will get what you really wanted.

Let's compare whose problem is bigger!

Me: Need to submit the progress report by next week. Need to prepare for test 1 of Cultural Anthropolgy. Need to get the result of the FYP2, need to join the SI interview.
Worst Case: Fail FYP2, Screw the family trip, love failure, spend another year with family money to graduate. 

How about Hitler at my age? he was born in 1889. In 1914, he fail his physical test, he was about to join army, but he went back to Munich. He serve Austrian Army for world war I. It means life is full of hardness. No beautiful sky, no internet, no girls, no drinking, no beer. Just serve the army to survive. He was wounded at the second battlefield.